Vietnam Respite

This trip to Vietnam has really been a journey for me. It has changed me in unexpected and welcomed ways.

I was reluctant to go and in reality, had felt no remorse about never returning. Previous opportunities to go were brushed aside as the timing always seemed to be wrong. Even the timing of this trip seemed off to me. I was still deeply mourning the loss of my sweet baby. I couldn't imagine carrying my grief with me for thousands of miles. I didn't feel as though I remembered how to smile or enjoy the simple act of sitting and drinking a cup of coffee. I wasn't ready or deserving of joy, even brief moments of it. My beloved Anabelle had died so tragically, how could I feel pleasure from anything? I was supposed to be packing a diaper bag, not a suitcase. My heart was so heavy with grief, I had no place for frivolity. Tears were my constant companion and I left the house only when necessary. Fifteen days away from D and L were out of the question.

Yet half way around the world, this family that I had no memories of eagerly awaited my arrival. To them, it was the homecoming of a beloved child - a longed for and missed grand-daughter, niece and cousin . I felt as though a lifetime of doting, love and affection were crammed into the ten days we spent in Qui Nhon and Saigon.

I was prepared to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of members in my Father's family. After all, he was the eldest son with seventeen siblings. Instead, I was surrounded by genuine warmth and affection from the moment I arrived. I expected to be viewed as a stranger after such a long absence. Instead, I was greeted with open arms and hearts ready to embrace me and never let go.

Every whim and desire was instantly gratified. Whether it was a craving for a particular meal or the slight urge to go to some particular place, all requests, big or small, were immediately fulfilled. They derived genuine pleasure from being able to treat us so royally.

There were moments when they asked about the baby. It was so difficult to utter even a few words as the tears closed my throat. They quickly brushed away my tears, encouraged me not to be too sad and changed the subject. It's hard not to notice my post-partum belly. It still resembles a five month pregnant belly and even strangers asked about it. Every time I had to tell them the truth, hot tears welled up and spilled, drowning anything more than a few words.

There were times during my trip that the pain ebbed. There were even moments that turned into longer stretches of time where I was able to enjoy the experience. Floating on my back at Bai Bau (a secluded beach) with the sun warming my face, I felt contentment. The last meal at Chu Tan's house was filled with deep belly laughter, of which I participated and even caused. We celebrated deep family ties and fond new memories to replace the missing ones. Surrounded by so much love in the midst of the unfamiliar, I had a respite from my sorrow. I could look forward to the day with a lighter heart. I could expect and even accept - pleasure.