I Wanted So Much for You

I wanted so much for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night, not my own sounds of crying for you, my innocent, misconceived baby.

I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon your grave.
I wantd to see you asleep in the crib, not the casket.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off, not alone go on.
I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.
I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born, newly gone -- child.

I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted you.

--Maria LaFond Visscher

I've been awake since 2:47am. The house is so quiet. My thoughts are so loud.

Five days ago I was in Vietnam. It seems like another lifetime. And now I'm back in my normal life. Except that nothing feels normal. Unless normal is the aching pain that is still my constant companion.

After weeping on D's shoulder, I feel a tremendous love for this man who is my best friend, lover and father of my children. I am so blessed to be married to a man who loves me so deeply and adores my post-baby body. I asked him how he could possibly be attracted to my "elephant's knee" (how I fondly describe what use to be my tummy). His response, "because I know what it means...that you have borne my children." Did I mention how blessed I am?

Lately, thoughts of another baby linger longer. But it seems inappropriate somehow to be having those thoughts. Anabelle died less than two months ago. The grief is still so deep. The tears unending.

I don't think there is a defined mourning period when you lose a baby. Nothing will ever erase the hurt and pain, not even another child. By trying to create parameters, am I also shutting out the possibility of joy? I will never stop mourning the loss of my sweet baby, but what guarantees do I have for tomorrow?

I never imagined L being an only child. She has so much "big sisterlyness" in her that it seems a shame to have only the one. That aside, D and I have always wanted more children. In my daydreams, I secretly longed for four. I just thought they would all be here on earth with me.

Should I be content with the family I have? Somehow, our family doesn't feel complete.

My friend J encouraged me to reach out for joy if it's possible. We don't know what the future holds. Every day something changes. Things we don't expect can happen. One day can change your entire future. The routine check up that leads to a diagnosis of cancer; the joyous birth that ends in tragedy; the obligatory visit that opens doors and hearts to a long forgotten family.

What is it that I wait for? Will I ever feel ready to resume my life? When will I feel that I deserve happiness? The sun still rises and sets while I wait.

Vietnam Respite

This trip to Vietnam has really been a journey for me. It has changed me in unexpected and welcomed ways.

I was reluctant to go and in reality, had felt no remorse about never returning. Previous opportunities to go were brushed aside as the timing always seemed to be wrong. Even the timing of this trip seemed off to me. I was still deeply mourning the loss of my sweet baby. I couldn't imagine carrying my grief with me for thousands of miles. I didn't feel as though I remembered how to smile or enjoy the simple act of sitting and drinking a cup of coffee. I wasn't ready or deserving of joy, even brief moments of it. My beloved Anabelle had died so tragically, how could I feel pleasure from anything? I was supposed to be packing a diaper bag, not a suitcase. My heart was so heavy with grief, I had no place for frivolity. Tears were my constant companion and I left the house only when necessary. Fifteen days away from D and L were out of the question.

Yet half way around the world, this family that I had no memories of eagerly awaited my arrival. To them, it was the homecoming of a beloved child - a longed for and missed grand-daughter, niece and cousin . I felt as though a lifetime of doting, love and affection were crammed into the ten days we spent in Qui Nhon and Saigon.

I was prepared to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of members in my Father's family. After all, he was the eldest son with seventeen siblings. Instead, I was surrounded by genuine warmth and affection from the moment I arrived. I expected to be viewed as a stranger after such a long absence. Instead, I was greeted with open arms and hearts ready to embrace me and never let go.

Every whim and desire was instantly gratified. Whether it was a craving for a particular meal or the slight urge to go to some particular place, all requests, big or small, were immediately fulfilled. They derived genuine pleasure from being able to treat us so royally.

There were moments when they asked about the baby. It was so difficult to utter even a few words as the tears closed my throat. They quickly brushed away my tears, encouraged me not to be too sad and changed the subject. It's hard not to notice my post-partum belly. It still resembles a five month pregnant belly and even strangers asked about it. Every time I had to tell them the truth, hot tears welled up and spilled, drowning anything more than a few words.

There were times during my trip that the pain ebbed. There were even moments that turned into longer stretches of time where I was able to enjoy the experience. Floating on my back at Bai Bau (a secluded beach) with the sun warming my face, I felt contentment. The last meal at Chu Tan's house was filled with deep belly laughter, of which I participated and even caused. We celebrated deep family ties and fond new memories to replace the missing ones. Surrounded by so much love in the midst of the unfamiliar, I had a respite from my sorrow. I could look forward to the day with a lighter heart. I could expect and even accept - pleasure.

Who's Who in Saigon

The last leg of my trip was to the capital - Saigon. The majority of my Dad's side of the family live here.

The four days that were spent there were a flurry of activity. So many people to see and places to go. Most of the time was spent visiting homes and getting to know kin.

"Who's Who in Saigon" sums it up:

Chu Canh - of all the living brothers, he most closely resembles my Dad (in his "jungle" days). He is quiet with a broad smile. I believe he is the poorest of the relatives in Saigon. He doesn't complain at all and just goes about his business with a cheerful disposition. He mentioned dressing up in army gear and having his picture taken so that we could look at it when we missed our Father. His gesture was genuine and out of a desire to ease our grief.

Co Kinh - She is the mother hen of the family that resides in Saigon. She is busy during all waking hours. She rises before the sun does to prepare for the day. She is moves purposefully and without ceasing. Whether it's going to the market, cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house or scolding some errant relative, she does all without complaint and with a somewhat regal manner. She is the eldest sister in Saigon, so I think she feels responsible for everyone. Her house seems to be headquarters for the family. The entire Saigon family (including Co Ha and her son, who now live in Qui Nhon) lived in her house at one point - including husbands and children.

Co Hoa - half of one set of twins, she lives in a quiet neighborhood not too far from Co Kinh's house. She speaks kindly and softly. There is a quiet sadness about her that I can relate to. A few summers ago, her son died suddenly and tragically while swimming in Qui Nhon. Several boys that day were playing at the beach and were trapped by an undertow. The others were revived, but sadly my young cousin was not. Her loss is great and unceasing. Many of the relatives in Saigon say I closely resemble her. Perhaps it's the shared grief of mothers who have lost beloved children that identifies us.

Co Cam - the twin of Co Hoa's, she has a completely different personality than her sister. She is more frank with a slight edge. With her hair pulled back and perfectly coiffed, I felt intimidated around her for the first few days. Even though her tone is aggressive, she is thoughtful and kind. My first day in Saigon, she took me to dinner and then to have my hair washed. It was such an unexpected treat!

Chu Tan - the youngest brother, he has very endearing qualities. I spent my last full day in Saigon with him. He drove me around sight-seeing downtown. We stopped to have coffee on the 32nd floor of a skyscraper that had a panoramic view of the city and visited the Reunification Palace and War Remnant Museum. My day with him was quite an emotional one, visiting the War Remnant Museum in particular. Our final family dinner was shared at his house and once the dishes were cleared, he had a few things to say to me in front of the family. As we lingered over drinks, he expressed great love for me. Throughout the day he watched me silently cry as I toured the palace and museum. He had expected to see a stranger, disconnected from her motherland after a 32 year absence. A woman who had married an American and detached herself from her family. Instead, he saw family, who openly mourned the devastation that her homeland suffered during the war. He witnessed my heartache and it removed any suspicion or resentment he had towards me.

Vietnam Trip - Day 10

I've just arrived in Saigon this morning and met a slew of more aunts and uncles. Saigon is very hot, probably in the low 90's. I'm at the house of my youngest aunt, Co Dung (pronounced Yoo-ng). She's only a year or so older than me. She's fun and likes to party, I think. She was also in Qui Nhon for a few days.

Qui Nhon was wonderful and I was really sad to leave. It was great to see family but it's also beautiful there. I can't wait to post pictures of the gorgeous and pristine beaches. We went to a secluded cove called, "Bai Bau," which loosely translated means, "Pregnant Beach." Locals say that after a trip there, women miraculously come home pregnant. We were the only people on the beach and felt so privileged. We swam for about two hours and had the beach all to ourselves the entire time. The sand was soft and white, the waves small enough to just float around on your back. It had a shore break, so you could do a little body surfing closer to shore. We only spent one day there and had hoped to go back but the family was keen on showing us different sites.

The next day, we went to the mountains. I think they refer to it as the jungle here. We took a 1 1/2 hour drive into the jungle and were then dropped off a place called, "Ham Ho." I don't really know what that means. I will have to ask someone. We walked through the gates and were greeted by a deafening roar, much like rain falling heavily on a tin roof. Actually, as we passed under the shade of the trees, we felt a light mist falling on our arms and legs. The source of the sound and mist was from cicadas that were sitting in the trees! Needless to say, we kept out mouths closed.

After a short walk to the stream, we climbed aboard skiffs that carried us upstream to beautiful fresh water pools that were surrounded by boulders and trees. Right in the middle of the jungle, amidst waterfalls, there were cool pools to swim in. We explored different pools, swam, floated on our backs and allowed the current to carry us downstream. A little higher up, another pool spilled into ours, creating a fairly strong current. We had fun pretending to be salmon, swimming upstream. Actually, the current was pretty strong and it was as if we had our own "endless stream." We paddled and paddled but still stayed in the same place.

Another day was spent sightseeing. We visited the church where my parents were married. We took a short drive to a different church where the remains of my Aunt Mai (on my mother's side) were laid to rest. She was just a child when she died and we took a moment to honor her short life. We drove by the school my father attended as a young boy. It was built right across the way from the beach. I imagine him daydreaming about swimming rather than studying. We drove along the same road from my mother's house to my father's house. She walked this route every Sunday, on her way to church. It was on one of these Sundays that my father spotted her and fell in love.

And of course, we spend some time every day with my grandmother. Her spirit was strong and rejoicing to see us, even as her body was weak with age and illness. Her soul is now content that she has seen and touched all three children of her beloved first born son.

As we said our final goodbyes, we promises to return soon and bring the rest of the family, especially D and L.

Who's Who in Qui Nhon (that I've met)

Co Hao - she is the eldest sister, born after my Dad. Her rank is "sister #3." She carries herself like the eldest sister. She is respected most above all the other siblings. She is soft-spoken and kind. I had a nice long chat with her our last evening in Qui Nhon. We spoke of family and her deep love for my father and my mother.

Co Ha - her rank is, "sister #4." We stayed with her during the entire Qui Nhon trip. She has an easy laugh and keeps busy. She is constantly moving (cooking, cleaning, going to market, going to church, going over to visit family/friends, caring for her husband, teasing H laughing). She gets a good ribbing from H but she gives as good as she gets. I believe her words to H on our last morning were, "tonight, you die!! *chuckle*"

Co Hiep - her rank is "sister #5" and they actually call her "Co Nam," which means, sister number 5 or just "Nam" which means five. She is the mother hen amongst the sisters. She moved into Ba Noi's house six months ago to help care for her after her heart attack. She has a sweet disposition and doesn't like to see anyone harmed, even slightly. It was she that returned underpants to one of the cousins that H "de-pants-ed" during a swim at Ham Ho. She also joined in half-way through Co Hao and my tete-e-tete.

Chu Thanh - he is the eldest brother still living. After Co Nam, they don't use the numbering system to refer to siblings much. He is soft-spoken and kind. Everyone says I'm his favorite. He lived with my parents while he attended school. Four years younger than my Father, he remembers H and I. For the longest time, he held on to a picture of me, only eight months old, sitting in the crook of his arm, holding on to his thumb. What endeared me to him? Apparently, when I was a little older than one year, he came for a visit. My Father had hidden his cigarettes so that his friends would not smoke all of them. I had seen where he hid them. When Chu Thanh came over, I walked over to the hiding spot, pulled out the precious cigarettes and then trotted over and handed them to him. He is the one that drove me around on his moped and showed me the nostalgic places in town - where my parents lived, met, married, etc.

Chu Binh - he took us to our various swimming spots. He is jovial and kind. He liked to plan our outings and shuttle us all over town on his moped. Hi drives his moped everywhere as his hips bother him. He needs hip-replacement surgery but is waiting until he absolutely cannot stand the pain any longer. His discomfort and pain don't stop him from playing with us all day. He is the most light-hearted of the uncles in Qhi Nhon.

Co Ninh - she is the elder of the first set of twins. She is quiet and goes about her business with a humble spirit. She is always cooking or cleaning it seems. I only heard her speak a few times and tried hard to understand as her words were few and far between. She spoke of matters close to her heart.

Chu Dong - he and Chu Thanh are the photographers of the family. He has been living with Ba Noi for a few years now to care for her. He has no qualms about jumping in to lend a hand with the cooking and cleaning. Mosquitoes are always biting his feet - no where else. He has an easy laugh and a bit of a prankster in him. He and H "de-pantsed" one of the cousins at Ham Ho. He held him while H stripped him of his swimming trunks (undies).

Co Dung - she is the youngest of all the siblings. She actually lives in Saigon but I met her in Qui Nhon. She seems like the one who likes to look for adventures and have lots of fun. She is only a couple of years older than me. She is much like the older sister who comes home from college to take you partying. She is very clever and convinced three of the youngest boys (cousins) to show off their manhood so she could take a picture. She did it by pitting them against each other and telling them that the youngest had the biggest pee pee of them all. They begged to differ and whipped them out to prove her wrong. Who was the bigger fool?

Vietnam Trip - Day 7 (Qhi Nhon)

Well, looks like the mode of travel is moped. I even rode up and down the alley with my sister L driving!! Too bad no one told me until after I had ridden up hills and small alleys with Co Ha that she was prone to accidents!

Everything and everyone is so laid back here in Qui Nhon. No one can make up their minds about plans as they are so concerned about showing us a good time and accommodating even the tiniest request. My brother H mentioned a craving for mit and voila, it was procured that evening. Late one night, he hinted at a hankering for chai coc (frog fruit) and Co Ha said she would pick it up in the morning as they only sell it by the beach and it was well after sunset. Instead, she ran out of the house, in the dark, to the beach and bought half a dozen. She warned us that the sour fruit would upset our stomachs eaten so late at night...she was right.

Each evening, plans are made for the following day, but when that day arrives, the plans have changed - along with who is coming and who is not.

Food here is much more affordable than Hanoi. We fed lunch to a family of 20 for about $16 USD.

Our typical day starts at about 5:30 or 6:00am. The sun rises early and we along with it. We make our way downstairs and then have coffee around the corner and then drive to another place for breakfast. One morning we even breakfasted at Chu Thanh's house. Lunch is eaten sometime between 11:00 am to 2:00pm. We are ordered to have a mid-afternoon naps, which we decline initially but then promptly fall asleep. Dinner is eaten at home, on the floor with everyone gathered around. Eating is a social occasion and the aunts and uncles come over to the host house, cook together and then we all eat and laugh and make plans for the next day (which, of course, will change by the next day).

It's warm, it's fun and it's family.

Vietnam Trip - Day 6 (Qui Nhon)

We've just arrived in Qui Nhon this morning. I've met several aunts (Co), uncles (Chu), cousins (Em) and second cousins (we refer to them as neices and nephews and they refer to us as Co and Chu). It's a little overwhelming trying to keep track of their names but I have a few days to learn them.

We went to see my grandmother today. She was overcome with joy to see the three of us. They wanted to take us up to her house in the mountains one at a time as not to over excite her and cause a heart attack. When it was all said and done I think she demanded that they bring all of us at once.

It was a very emotional homecoming. This is the city where I was born but nothing feels familiar. Tomorrow is supposed to be a tour of the city and visiting childhood places....the hospital where H and I were born, the church where my parents were married, the cemetery where my grandfather and other relatives are buried.

It's amazing how welcomed I feel by the family; how quickly I feel at ease with them. Even though these aunts and uncles haven't seen me in over 32 years, they have welcomed me with open arms, warm kisses and heart felt hospitality. We are staying at Co Ha's house (she is the second eldest aunt). She has built a 3 story house and recently remodeled but her children are all grown and moved away. So, she has room to spare and it's nice staying with family.

Qui Nhon is has a much slower pace than Hanoi. It's a beach town, much like Carlsbad. Not as busy as Hanoi, which is a welcomed relief. Tomorrow, Chu Binh is taking us on a boat tour near some island off the coast. We should be able to go swimming. It's fairly warm during the day, around 82 degrees, but the beach is only a few short blocks away.

We headed down to the beach after our "forced" siesta but only the boys went swimming. My bathing suit is modest by San Diego standards but L and I caused quite a stir just by our presence at the beach in tank tops. We were too shy to actually take our dresses off and go swimming. L says that most of these guys have never seen a hiny and she wasn't about to show them hers.

There weren't many girls there and the few that were wading in the water wore capris and short sleeved shirts. Co Ha says that most of the women go swimming earlier in the day as they have to make dinner after the mid-afternoon nap.

Despite warnings from both my parents and D, I must confess that I did ride on the back of a moped twice today. Once to go up the my grandmother's house, which is quite a trek up the mountain and then once down the mountain. I say mountain, but really it's more of a steep hill. My aunt and uncle wouldn't hear of us walking up in the heat. There was no traffic as it was more of a foot path. We might try to borrow some bicycles tomorrow and ride around but most things are within walking distance - though no one seems to walk and all prefers mopeds, even just to travel one block.

Traffic here is not as bad as Hanoi. There was quite a bit of congestion in the city and I did learn how to cross crazy busy intersections. Slow and steady, and everyone moves around you. It's quite unnerving to walk not through but into the traffic. Vehicles actually move into oncoming traffic when making left turns. It's crazy but I didn't see a single accident when I was in Hanoi. Our driver on the way back from our Ha Long Bay tour did accidently cross over to the other side of the median, into oncoming traffic somehow. He just slammed on the breaks, backed up and then got back on the right side of the road. Everyone else was still sleeping and I was the only one aware of the incident (other than the driver and tour guide). I don't think the others even woke up.

I am still so homesick for D and L. I miss Anabelle, too, and the sorrow seems to come on suddenly. H has forbidden the family to ask me about her but that doesn't change the grief. It's not as consuming but it is hard to catch my breath at times when I think of her. I think being around people all day has afforded me little "down time." It's funny saying that as I'm usually the one one the go. But, I must admit that I do need down time now and then.

Vietnam Trip - Day 2

This morning's stroll through the marketplace has changed the mood of the trip and lifted my spirits.

Amidst the strange produce and slabs of meat, a familiar smell permeated the air - banh cam. The sweet fragrance brought back fond childhood memories of summers spent at my maternal grandmother's house. She ground up the fragrant mung beans and mixed in the coarse yellow meal with an assortment of unknown ingredients. She then rolled the dough into balls, coated them with rice flour and rolled them in sesame seeds. The balls were dropped into boiling oil and the sweet warm smell wafted throughout the entire house. All the grandchildren would rush back from our frolicking to wait eagerly for the treat. Once they finished cooking, they rose to the top of the pot and were fished out. Too excited to wait until they cooled, we burned fingers and tongues by snatching them too soon and popping them into our mouths.

I never did find the source of the sweet smell but the happy memories evoked were enough to shift the mood of the trip and create a connection of sorts with this place - Vietnam.

My loneliness receded further with the arrival of my sister and her husband. The next twelve days seem more bearable now that my sister is here. My smiles are no longer forced and my laughter genuine. L's presence has brought me deep comfort.

A trip to the Ho Chi Minh Museum was not to be overlooked. We missed the Mausoleum by about 20 minutes and I'm not sure if we'll do that later. It was an interesting and informative outing. I can see why HCM had such a strong following. His goal was a liberated Vietnam, free from outside rule. He believed that the country should be run by nationals and that everyone should be educated and take pride in their homeland. There should be opportunity for all, from the peasant to the "upper-class." At the time, he believed that the only vehicle available to accomplish that dream and unite the country was communism.

Early in the evening we went to the Than Long Water Puppet Theater. No trip to Hanoi is complete without taking in a show. I cast aside my western expectations of pyrotechnics and million dollar special effects and appreciated the beauty of the traditional instruments and thousands of years of Vietnamese history and folk stories represented in the seventeen musical performances.

Each selection revealed different aspects of rural life.

The young boy playing his flute while riding on the back of a water buffalo were reminiscent of my maternal grandfather's childhood. For many years, he was responsible for tending the water buffalo on his uncle's farm. Many hours were passed playing his flute.

King Le Loi's triumph over the Ming invaders was followed by his journey to "Restored Sword" Lake to pay homage to the Giant Turtle. Once there, he return the magic sword to the mystical created and offer thanks for his victory.

That same lake sits across from the theater and has been a daily destination for us. Afternoon coffee has been taken along it's shore every day of our stay here in Hanoi.

The highlight of the day was an hour long foot, leg, arm, back, and neck massage that T treated everyone to. Only $7 each for a whole hour!

Another interesting event today was a trip to the Museum of Art. Some beautiful pieces from the "Bronze Era" and some wonderful ink and acid etchings from a local artist. So much beautiful art from a country deep in culture and rich in history.

Vietnam Trip - 1st Day

We will be in Hanoi until the 5th and then fly into Qui Nhon where we will see my grandmother and some family. We'll spend a few days there and then fly into Saigon on the 10th where we'll stay until we leave on the 13th. The highlight of the trip will be an outing to Halong Bay on the 4th. They pick us up early in the morning around 7am, drive us to the harbor and then we'll take a boat tour all day until 5pm.

I don't know how to describe everything so far. It feels like I'm so far from home. Even though in a few more days, we will fly into Qui Nhon this feels too alien to be my birthplace.

There are moments that I feel like just another traveller, exploring a new land. It feels like any other trip I've taken abroad. Different smells and sights but there is a sameness about it. People going about their every day life. But being so far from the familiar, I have pangs of homesickness and many moments where I mourn the loss of my sweet baby. It seems harder to bear the pain now that I'm so far from my family.

All around me is the hustle and bustle of the city, which is relatively calm compared to Saigon, I'm told. But I feel so alone still, just a person, wandering, filling my days. Every day I long for home. I long for something cooler than 92 degrees and 82% humidity.

We walk all day, stopping to sit by Hoan Kim Turtle Lake with it's mysterious tower and pagoda in the mist. Gentle breezes blow in the morning and later in the evening. Then it's more walking broken up by meals and window shopping. I feel like I'm searching for something. Connection? Belonging? Peace?