Dear Friend,

One of the lessons I've learned is that honesty and openess pave the way for God to reveal his kindness to us. Vulnerability invites others to share our sorrows and deepen our relationships. It's ironic that it's not the good times but the bad that strengthens bonds.

Had she survived her birth, Anabelle would have had to undergo 3 major surgeries within the first few months of her life. We can only imagine what our life and hers would have been like. Sitting on this side of things, I would trade almost anything to have her - even with all the challenges.

Whatever you're feeling or questioning, it's normal. Have a lot of grace for yourself. The unthinkable has happened. You're going to be in shock for a while.

Lily still prays for the moms who are pregnant to have healthy babies. She has a special place in her heart for babies and prays for the sick and poor every night. I never thought I would be in this place where I am now, sharing the things with you that I am. All the credit goes to God. In the midst of our tragedy, he showered us with kindness through our family, friends, neighbors, even strangers. Our suffering taught us how to praise God even when times are bad. Actually, things went from bad to worse. After Anabelle died, my grandmothers had a heart-attack and 4 strokes, I was in a car accident, and all work dried up for Dave and me (we were self-employed). Honestly, I just wanted to die. The burden was too great. I don't even know how we survived. We were on our knees, face downcast, crying and praying. I clung even tighter to those two scriptures from Psalms. And God did deliver us from our troubles. He does save those who are crushed in spirit.

We are by no means worry-free. We have the same troubles most American families are facing during these difficult times. And we still have to pray and cry and depend on God. We don't always make the right choices. We don't always pray. I get angry and disgruntled. I sometimes feel, "why me." But then I always remember that mine is not the worst situation. There is so much suffering going on around the world and I have to pray to make a difference. There is so much more to this short life.

Keep in mind, it's been two years since my baby died. I'm still grieving. Many tears are still shed. I am still learning the lessons. The pain hasn't stopped. It's still deep. But, I don't feel as though I will shatter into a million pieces. That's progress, right?

Blessings to your family.
Chris

A close friend has put me in contact with a mother who is grieving the death of her 3 month old son. My heart breaks for their terrible loss. Writing to her, has allowed me to comfort her. It's healing to be able to do that. Following is my letter to her.

Dear Friend,

In response to your request about what helped me to grieve and heal, there are so many different things. Each situation is unique and different things will be helpful to you and your family. My only suggestion is open your heart to wherever God wants to lead you. For me, that meant sometimes just sitting silent, with my eyes closed and hands in an open position, receiving God's grace and whatever else he had for me. I believe it was during those times that the Holy Spirit intervened for me with prayers and petitions that I didn't know how to
express.

Anabelle died during labor almost 2 years ago. My placenta abrupted before she was born. Even though I delivered her 45 minutes after my water broke, we don't know how long she was deprived of oxygen. The pain and grief we went through was overwhelming. I didn't know how I would survive her death. Our oldest, Lily, was 4 1/2 yrs. old at the time and she suffered the loss as well. She had been praying for a baby sister for 2 years. She was just heart-broken. There were many tears. We didn't hide our grief from Lily but allowed her to openly express her grief, too. We still talk about Anabelle and we still miss her tremendously. It's comforting to know that she's in heaven, but it would have been wonderful to know her here on earth.

"Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis was helpful. OurBradley instructor gave the book to me and I found it very helpful. Also, I clung to these two Pslams, especially the verses listed below.

Psalm 31 & 34

Psalm 31:14-15
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."
My times are in your hand;

Psalm 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out
of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Honestly, I prayed alot, cried even more and blogged or wrote in my journal when I could. I was surrounded by wonderful friends who were a safe haven for me to talk about what I was going through as much as I needed to. Or to not talk about it.

Another baby will never replace the one you lost, just as your love for your other children cannot replace your love for him.

At the time, I did not think I wanted any more children. I couldn't bear the thought. I was too afraid of losing another baby. My sister didn't comment either way about whether or not we should have more children, she just encouraged us to make decisions out of love and not
fear. My best friend also encouraged us to reach out for joy in whatever way God was giving it to us. Almost a year later, I was pregnant with Kate. She has been such a joy and a blessing to our family. We love her deeply but she will never replace Anabelle. We still talk about Anabelle. Lily and I imagine what she must be doing in heaven. She would have been two so maybe she is two in heaven.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers. If you need to talk please know that I'm here.

Love,
Chris