I've been awake since 2:47am. The house is so quiet. My thoughts are so loud.

Five days ago I was in Vietnam. It seems like another lifetime. And now I'm back in my normal life. Except that nothing feels normal. Unless normal is the aching pain that is still my constant companion.

After weeping on D's shoulder, I feel a tremendous love for this man who is my best friend, lover and father of my children. I am so blessed to be married to a man who loves me so deeply and adores my post-baby body. I asked him how he could possibly be attracted to my "elephant's knee" (how I fondly describe what use to be my tummy). His response, "because I know what it means...that you have borne my children." Did I mention how blessed I am?

Lately, thoughts of another baby linger longer. But it seems inappropriate somehow to be having those thoughts. Anabelle died less than two months ago. The grief is still so deep. The tears unending.

I don't think there is a defined mourning period when you lose a baby. Nothing will ever erase the hurt and pain, not even another child. By trying to create parameters, am I also shutting out the possibility of joy? I will never stop mourning the loss of my sweet baby, but what guarantees do I have for tomorrow?

I never imagined L being an only child. She has so much "big sisterlyness" in her that it seems a shame to have only the one. That aside, D and I have always wanted more children. In my daydreams, I secretly longed for four. I just thought they would all be here on earth with me.

Should I be content with the family I have? Somehow, our family doesn't feel complete.

My friend J encouraged me to reach out for joy if it's possible. We don't know what the future holds. Every day something changes. Things we don't expect can happen. One day can change your entire future. The routine check up that leads to a diagnosis of cancer; the joyous birth that ends in tragedy; the obligatory visit that opens doors and hearts to a long forgotten family.

What is it that I wait for? Will I ever feel ready to resume my life? When will I feel that I deserve happiness? The sun still rises and sets while I wait.